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Talk:Watch Out Now/@comment-3575890-20150304003235
So I had a really good long talk with my mom. Not going to lie, it would have went TERRIBLE if it had been between just me and her because her lack of understanding of my illness is one of my biggest triggers and we both have short tempers, but we made so much progress today because of my brother acting as the mediator. There was only a little bit of fighting at the beginning and then we both broke down crying and told each other how we felt. Not only do I feel that I have gotten everything I needed to out in the open and it hasn't fallen on deaf ears, but is also feel like I have a firmer understanding of my mother's perspective and HER feelings on the matter. I don't think I've ever told her so much in all of the 11 years that I've been battling with depression. She still doesn't quite grasp it, but I can tell that she desperately wants to understand. And I really feel that my brother's cool head, open mind, and knowledge helped a lot. He went through basically everything with her, and because I've always felt like my brother got me on a deep and personal level that so few others do, he was able to be my voice when I was too emotional to speak for myself. When I calmed down, I basically poured out everything to her too. I told her that I'm not sad, but chronically sick and have been for 11 years, I told her there is nothing I can do about it and only treatment can truly help me, I confessed that I pushed myself to go to college before I was ready to because I didn't want to be a burden, I went over my anxiety and my struggle with suicidal inclinations, but I also assured her that I will not take my life, I explained to her that it wasn't anything she did or anything circumstantial in particular that brought on my depression like she believes, I explained to her all of my triggers, I explained to her that my anger is the only emotion I cannot keep under control and that it is my theory that the reason for this is because I put all of my mental focus towards suppressing all my other emotions, and so on so forth and while I don't think she understands quite like my brother does, she' definitely has a much better grasp than she did before and for once I truly felt like she listened. And whether she can really understand or not, that's all I ever wanted from her. It means more to me than she will ever know. My brother also helped a lot. He said that I was stronger than granite, that it's amazing in all 11 years of my struggle with this illness untreated, I haven't once followed through with suicide, he pointed out to me all of my accomplishments when I confessed I had felt accomplished nothing, he told me he would never have had the strength to get through college in my mental state, and he convinced my mom that my illness has festered for too long and that I need psychiatric attention as soon as possible. He was basically both of our therapists today and it was so beneficial. I got so much out, my mom actually listened and told me she will do more research for my sake so she can better understand - will do anything she can to help me - and I feel like we are all closer now. And my brother said something that I will never forget and always look to as my source of hope, which is this: the longer the struggle, the stronger I will keep getting and the happiest I will ever be when the fog clears because my future is bound to be bright and promising in compensation of the 11 years of suffering. I don't believe much in superstitious conventions like karma or anything like that, but I do believe that strength is the key to killing all of your inner demons, and that this wretched disease is a test of strength and endurance, so if I have to keep battling this out for however long in order to be free of this awful disease, far be it for me to quit. For the first time, in a long while, I feel like I have a support system in my home. I feel like I could be okay. I have hope. Not a whole lot, but it's something.